


I'll Be Good

by namjoonwae



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Auror Harry Potter, Brief mentioning of war, Healer Draco Malfoy, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioning of Blood, Negative Thoughts, Nightmares, Self-Doubt, Some Fluff, Somewhat based on the song I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 15:59:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17046605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namjoonwae/pseuds/namjoonwae
Summary: Sometimes Draco needs Harry to pull him out of the darkness.





	I'll Be Good

He wishes for everything to stop. 

The whispering in his ear, the constant pressure to be who they want, who they need him to be, he needs - 

He needs to breathe. 

But he can't even do that properly. Why would he? It's not like he actually deserves to. With all the pain that he's caused others, the torment, the misdeeds – he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. 

He can't even bring himself to try to make himself seem like a better person. Not to the others, let alone to himself. 

People stare at him, he can hear them talking behind his back, about all his problems and his Death Eater tendencies, how he should've been sent away to Azkaban to rot just like the others -

Stop. Please stop. 

He stares at himself in the mirror, willing himself not to cry, not to break down – don't, you can't give them the satisfaction. 

You're a Malfoy, pull it together. 

And before he knows it the tears are welling up, and he's probably got tear tracts down his cheeks at this point, not being able to stop or lessen them by belittling himself into believing that he doesn't deserve to cry, he doesn't deserve to be able to have a release. 

He looks at himself and he sees a man who shielded himself away from the light.

He looks at himself and he sees a boy who grew up way too fast, a boy who's been merciless and has had way too much asked of him.

He looks at himself and he sees a man who never asked the right questions, who never questioned what and why he was doing what he was doing. 

He looks at himself and he sees a broken man with little to give others other than pain and suffering. 

He looks at himself and he sees nothing. 

And Harry's told him to stop being so hard on himself, it wasn't his fault, but really? Who's fault was it other than Draco's?

Who else could he blame it on and have it possibly make sense?

(He's only coming up with himself for an answer. He hates how his brain works, always running around in circles. If only he hadn't made the wrong decisions in the first place, been on the wrong side of the war, maybe it would've worked out differently. Maybe he wouldn't have loathed himself so much, blamed himself for things that were out of his control, if he thought objectively about it enough.)

He woke up that morning feeling relatively okay, like today was going to be a good day, and Harry had given him a smile and a kiss on the cheek and everything had seemed okay. 

But then he looked at himself for just a bit too long, and everything twisted. 

He promised to himself that he could do this, that he could drag the light back in that he shut out for so long, but he doesn't think that he can and it keeps running him to the ground. 

Draco doesn't doubt that he's done this to himself, and he doesn't doubt that it's his fault for taking the dark mark and for having this evil in (and on) him to begin with. 

He woke to screaming the other night. He found that after being awake for a few seconds that it wasn't his own, and that Harry had been sitting up in bed with a pained look on his face that matched with his blank expression that conveyed nothing other than that he was terrified. 

Tears made their way down his face, and Draco couldn't help but think “I caused this. I'm part of the reason why Harry has this nightmares in the first place. I've made him cry, made him horrified...” 

And the cycle continues on like this, round and round and round, and it's no wonder Draco hasn't slept properly in years. 

And he can't help but wonder. What Harry sees in him, why he's even with Draco in the first place. Draco loves Harry to death and doesn't want him to leave or to have second thoughts, but how could he not when Draco has put him through so much?

How could he love him when there was nothing there to love?

Despite this Draco holds Harry close, whispering little nothings into his ear while Harry focuses on his breathing and his eyes frantically search around the room to make sure that nothing's there that can hurt him. 

“Please tell me they're gone.”

Because despite Harry's bravery, his Gryffindor tendencies that spark with little to no need, he still searches a dark room in an attempt to familiarize himself with the light. 

(Draco doesn't think that he has any light left in himself to become familiar with. Harry, on the other hand. Harry is a beacon of light that never fades, never gets touched, never stops burning. Harry is the light that Draco never thought he'd have. Never thought he'd deserve.)

(Draco still isn't convinced that he deserves Harry. The thing is is that he doesn't think that he can live without him. It's an awfully selfish tactic, Draco knows, but he can't help himself.)

Because Harry has been through so much, has died and has come back, and Draco doesn't think that he can make Harry bleed anymore than he already has. 

Draco never intends to, but being merciless has always been one of his trademark characteristics.

(It's bullshit, Harry always argues. He doesn't understand that Draco agrees with them.)

He never meant for it to be this way. Not for all of those people to get hurt, not for his blood to be the cause of so much pain and suffering. 

His past has always haunted him. Or maybe it's just from the war until now, but he can't shake the sinking feeling that he hasn't actually liked who he is in a long time. He was cruel, and mean, and racist, and full of pureblood superiority, and – it needed to stop. It's turned him cold, and angry, and he yields himself much stronger and aggressive than what he actually is. Anyone who truly knows him knows that he's playful and fun to be around.

He's harmless, really.

(“You're like a big teddy bear,” Harry had told him one day, not that long ago, sitting on the couch as he held a smirk on his face that Draco really wanted to kiss away.

“Shut up,” he had said instead, pushing himself closer to Harry in an attempt to cuddle that he had initiated himself. 

Malfoy's don't initiate such contact. His father would be dissapointed. Just that fact alone causes Draco to smile and hide his face in Harry's neck.)

His father always told him that grace is weakness. It's a pity, Draco thinks, that that way of thinking stuck with him so long. 

It doesn't hold a place in his heart now. Maybe in his mind, yes, because words are hard to get away from, but in his heart he knows what is wrong and what is right, how he's messed up and how he's been haunted.

Draco wants his life back, wants to redo, wants to restart. 

He wants the light back that he hasn't seen in so long, wants to feel the spark that can only come with inner peace and understanding. 

Harry come in one morning and wakes Draco up with breakfast in bed. There's eggs, toast, and those jam filled scones that Harry knows that he likes so much – tea that Draco knows Harry spent longer on then necessary, getting it exactly how Draco prefers it. 

There's a flower in Harry's right hand that he holds out to Draco, palm open and inviting, eyes soft and gentle considering his sleep has been disturbed every night for nearly a week now. 

Harry places the flower behind Draco's ear, gently, and Draco seriously wonders what he did to deserve this. Absolutely nothing. Maybe he should tell Harry that he should leave, he deserves better, could do - 

Harry presses a kiss to Draco's temple, careful not to mess with the blond's thoughts too much, knowing how Draco gets stuck there. 

As long as he finds his way back to Harry, back to himself and back to them, then it's okay. 

And sometimes Draco closes his eyes and all he sees is blood – on himself, on those that he loves – and his bitter rage grows from within. Sometimes he'll wake up and know that that day isn't his day and he'll climb back into bed and stay there. 

But he's trying, and he promises himself that he won't let this spark dwindle out, that he won't push the light away anymore - 

Draco promises himself that he'll work on that. Harry shows him a pamphlet that he brings home from work one day, his Auror outfit still clinging to his body as he places it down onto the table where Draco can skim over it.

(“What is this?” Draco had asked, eyes refocusing on Harry after he'd read through the first two paragraphs. 

“Just think about it, please,” was Harry's only response, knowing full well that Draco knew what it was and how he could get involved.

It's not that he never thought about it, and they've talked about it before, it's just that he never thought that it would actually be an opportunity given to him.)

A few nights later he had an interview at St. Mungo's, one that could really benefit him – get him out of the house, make him feel like he was actually doing something for the greater good for once, he could help others instead of drowning in hurting them – and he knew that Harry wanted him to help himself.

Harry always goes on about how being an Auror changed him, how it helped him get through and heal and all that – and it's not that Draco doesn't get it, because he does, or at least he tries, but. 

Him? Working... with them? 

He doesn't understand how that works. Because clearly they shouldn't want him, shouldn't want him to be there, let alone trust him enough to have him work alongside them and the light.

(But he went to the interview, and no one gave him weird or disgusted looks, and he got the job, and he loved the first day and the next few days after that and this continues into months and he thinks that yes, this is good. 

Harry looks at him with pride, like he always does and always has, and Draco is starting to somewhat see it.)

(He promises himself that he'll be good for all the times that he couldn't be before.)

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to a friend who asked me to write this prompt forever ago but then I did the procrastinating thing. 
> 
> (But here it finally is.)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed. x


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